I don’t know. I’ve been so happy this past week because me and the guy I’ve liked for awhile now asked me to be his girlfriend. So, boyfriend, woo! We’re still in like the small talk part of our relationship, I mean hell, he just asked me last week. But tonight my best friend, who is friends with both of us, was like, “do you two even have anything in common?” And it kind of stumped me. I don’t really know him that well and he’s quiet and it’s going to take awhile before we really get to know each other and are able to talk about whatever whenever. I don’t know. It just bugged me the way he made it seem like, idk. He’s going through some stuff and just got in a fight with our other friend so maybe he was just lashing out or didn’t really mean anything by it but now I’m all worried still. I’m trying really hard not to cry. I just want this to work. I like him. I feel safe, and normal with him. For the first time in a long time, I could see this going somewhere. I want to get to know him better. I don’t know.
My friends and I were supposed to watch Legends of the Fall for movie night last and the guy I like said I would like it because it’s depressing. He knows me so well.
Please don’t let me fuck this up. Please.
I am the worlds worst daughter and most moronic child in existence.
Never mind, I guess.
Okay so work tonight sort of sucked terribly. I told my really good friend that works there when I lost my virginity because they kept saying I should become a nun and all this other stuff and I kept telling them that the church wouldn’t want me and blah blah. And I’m pretty sure he’s judging me a lot for it. I was pretty young and I mean it’s not like I’m ecstatic with who I lost it to and how old I was but I can’t change anything about it. I don’t know. Now I just feel stupid about confiding in him. Plus I’m totally hopeless with this stupid crush I have.
I keep trying to “love myself.” And be comfortable with who I am and what I look like and all that wonderful stuff, but I’m having the hardest time. I feel so ugly and gross and unwanted all the time. I was at work today and I’ve developed a crush on someone there, I won’t say who because he has a girlfriend and I don’t know who would read this and yada, yada, but I kept thinking the whole time that I need to just hide my face and get away from him because he doesn’t want to have to look at me. He shouldn’t have to look at my stupid face all fucking day long, no one should. And I can feel people stare at all the horrible imperfections on my face (and I’m not asking to be perfect, I’m not an idiot, I’d just like to be less repulsive), and I’m just so self-conscious. I thought having my braces taken off would help, but really it just draws more attention to all the much worse ugliness my face has to offer. Which it’s really pathetic that I’ve developed this stupid crush anyways, because I don’t even know how to have a conversation with him or much less anyone so what the hell?
Okay, so I’m attempting to practice radical self-love. Which basically means to stop ragging on myself for every little thing I see wrong with me. But before I do, I really need to just let out every problem I see with myself, and afterwards, I’ll try to say all the nice things I think of myself too. Here we go.