I don’t know. I’ve been so happy this past week because me and the guy I’ve liked for awhile now asked me to be his girlfriend. So, boyfriend, woo! We’re still in like the small talk part of our relationship, I mean hell, he just asked me last week. But tonight my best friend, who is friends with both of us, was like, “do you two even have anything in common?” And it kind of stumped me. I don’t really know him that well and he’s quiet and it’s going to take awhile before we really get to know each other and are able to talk about whatever whenever. I don’t know. It just bugged me the way he made it seem like, idk. He’s going through some stuff and just got in a fight with our other friend so maybe he was just lashing out or didn’t really mean anything by it but now I’m all worried still. I’m trying really hard not to cry. I just want this to work. I like him. I feel safe, and normal with him. For the first time in a long time, I could see this going somewhere. I want to get to know him better. I don’t know.

My friends and I were supposed to watch Legends of the Fall for movie night last and the guy I like said I would like it because it’s depressing. He knows me so well.

Please don’t let me fuck this up. Please.

I am the worlds worst daughter and most moronic child in existence.

Never mind, I guess.

Okay so work tonight sort of sucked terribly. I told my really good friend that works there when I lost my virginity because they kept saying I should become a nun and all this other stuff and I kept telling them that the church wouldn’t want me and blah blah. And I’m pretty sure he’s judging me a lot for it. I was pretty young and I mean it’s not like I’m ecstatic with who I lost it to and how old I was but I can’t change anything about it. I don’t know. Now I just feel stupid about confiding in him. Plus I’m totally hopeless with this stupid crush I have.

I don’t know, I’m just sad

(Source: sagdiyev)

I keep trying to “love myself.” And be comfortable with who I am and what I look like and all that wonderful stuff, but I’m having the hardest time. I feel so ugly and gross and unwanted all the time. I was at work today and I’ve developed a crush on someone there, I won’t say who because he has a girlfriend and I don’t know who would read this and yada, yada, but I kept thinking the whole time that I need to just hide my face and get away from him because he doesn’t want to have to look at me. He shouldn’t have to look at my stupid face all fucking day long, no one should. And I can feel people stare at all the horrible imperfections on my face (and I’m not asking to be perfect, I’m not an idiot, I’d just like to be less repulsive), and I’m just so self-conscious. I thought having my braces taken off would help, but really it just draws more attention to all the much worse ugliness my face has to offer. Which it’s really pathetic that I’ve developed this stupid crush anyways, because I don’t even know how to have a conversation with him or much less anyone so what the hell?

Okay, so I’m attempting to practice radical self-love. Which basically means to stop ragging on myself for every little thing I see wrong with me. But before I do, I really need to just let out every problem I see with myself, and afterwards, I’ll try to say all the nice things I think of myself too. Here we go.

Bad:

• I’m stupid. I really am. I have the hardest time retaining information and the only reason I ever made good grades in school is because I had easy classes. My teachers never made us try. I’m dumb. I honestly don’t know anything more than a monkey would know. I have to count on my fingers for simple math. I’m an idiot.
• I’m boring. I don’t have any special skills. I’ve tried to be good at things and I’m just not. Some people play sports or are even just really into music but I’m nothing. I’m just boring.
• I’m socially awkward. I don’t know how to hold a conversation with anyone who isn’t really talkative about themselves or things that they’re interested in.
• I’m not funny. My mother is the only person who ever laughs at my jokes that take me about 10 minutes to come up with. I mean, I think I’m funny, but I’m really not.
• I’m typical. And I care way too much that I’m typical and I hate it. I don’t know how to be carefree and not give a shit about stuff but I do. Because if I didn’t, then I wouldn’t be me. I’d be trying to be someone else, which I also feel like I do all the time because I have no idea who “I” am.
• I’m ugly. disgustingly hideous. I’m overweight, I only shave when I have to (therefore I’m lazy), my nose is too narrow and sticks out too far. I have too much dark hair on my face. My lips and mouth are really tiny and no matter how many times I have braces and for however long I still have really fucked up, yellow teeth. My hair will never look even presentable. It always feels gross even after I’ve washed it a bunch. My ears are too big. I have beady little shit brown eyes. I also have a small girls hands and finger toes. My acne is terrible. I look like an adolescent boy. My eyebrows are out of control because I have an extremely low pain tolerance. I have ugly stretch marks and my extremely small ass that won’t seem to go away. I have two extremely different sized breasts with nipples that are much too large so I look like a freak naked. Not to mention since my hair is so dark my whole body looks like an ape. I have thunder thighs, of course. That goes with the whole being overweight thing. But I’m going to stop before I start crying.

Good:

• I want a lot out of life. I want to be someone amazing. I want to follow my dreams, whatever they me be, and make them come true.
• My eyelashes are kind of long, but not exactly as long as most girls are.
• I have a really good fashion sense, in my opinion, anyway. It doesn’t really show because I can’t afford to dress the way I’d like, but it’s inside my head.
• I have a really big heart. It just explodes every time I think about anyone sad out there. I just want to hold everyone and make everything okay. I know it sounds sappy, but I really wish I could help others as much as I want to.
• I have quality taste in movies and tv shows and books. This is a fact.
• My neck is kind of long, which is supposed to be a good thing in the modeling world or whatever. So there’s that.
• I have pretty finger nails, sort of.